Monday, March 5, 2012

Confessions/rants....

It has been forever since I have written an uplifting family post, but that is well on its way as soon as I can find my camera cord...we are all fine and dandy and healthy just want to put that out there, before I continue with this post, otherwise I'm sure to get a few worried calls :)....anywho a friend of mine did a post earlier titled "27 before 27 (confessions)" and it inspired me to keep it real and write and get things off my conscience...so here we go....confession/rants...

1. I'am completely stressed to the max lately and finally broke down tonight and had a good cry over dinner after Nate left for work.
2. Stressed from our financial state would be at the top of this list.. with one breadwinner in the family and on a nurses salary with 5 mouths to feed, house payments, car payments, insurance, etc., etc. (you get the gist) it is nearly impossible to save a dime.
3. I'am incredibly homesick for my family- Mother, step-dad, sisters, brother, grandmother, cousins, friends, I miss my Vegas family more and more everyday.
4. I miss my friend Robyn dearly and as I type her name the tears are flowing again...in times of happiness, stress, anxiety, frustration, sorrow, you name it and she was there...she is my best friend and I have never felt that friend connection with anyone like I have felt with my BF Robyn, I dont want to make any of my other dear friends upset, of course I love you all and have closeness with you, but with Robyn it was different we weren't just friends, she was more like the big sister I never had and always wished I did (I say big because she towered over my short self LOL)...maybe this is tugging at my heart strings more lately with the "favorite things party" just around the corner and the fact that yet another dear friend (Meg.) is moving in just a few short months either way, change is hard....anywho I just miss you my dear Robyn girlfriend....now if my other dear friend Carly were to move away, I think I might put a call into Mercy Franklin and ask them to reserve a spot for me for a 72hr. hold! HA LOL :) (mercy franklin is the psychiatric hospital here).
5. I wish I could find the spare change somewhere in the cushions that was big enough to take my family on a much needed vacation.
6. I sometimes fantasize about the days when it was just Nate and I, before all the stress that goes along with having kiddos...I wished we'd had more one on one time together before we had kids and wished we would have taken more advantage of it and traveled and stuff, I dont regret our kiddos, but you get what I mean, there is just nothing like those kid-free, newlywed years.
7. while fantasizing about the kid free years, I would love to just settle for a kid-free vaca. for just the two of us, I can just see us on a beach somewhere, sipping mockaritas, carefree with our feet in the sand or better yet locked in our private hotel room for an entire day having adult time (if you catch my drift ;) ) .
8. I scream and yell way too much...its ridiculous how much I yell at my kiddos, I'm trying to be better to take it day by day and some days are better than others, but still much room for improvement.
9. Both Chase and Caitlyn are pretty much potty trained now, but they still occasionally have accidents (almost always #2 UGH!) and today was such the day and you can refer to #8 for what my reaction was...I digress there is always tomorrow to try better on all our parts.
10. my house looks like a bomb went off in it right now and not because the kids have been overly dirty, but because I'am slacking and procrastinating...I love to clean, but some days I just get down in the dumps and then I get stuck in the weeds trying to catch back up..lets check the chore list shall we: bathrooms (disgusting), living rm./family rm.(dust mites much?!), floors (eeek!), laundry (yeah we just wont go there *sigh*).
11. I read the entire twilight saga series in exactly 7 days, each book was about 700 pages, thats the answer for number 10 HA!...conclusion: I dont read books, ask my mother...that was the first series I have ever read and it was AMAZING! loved every minute of it, LOVED THEM!
12. I need new glasses so bad, I cant see at night at all really and I cant even begin to tell how bad the headaches have gotten from it.
13. I recently cut my Father out of my life and at first I felt free, happy even, but now I'm starting to feel the remorse and the sorrow and before anyone rushes to judgement, this has been 20 years in the making and I wont go there as to what broke the camels back, but the harsh words that were exchanged between he and I would make the hair on the back of your neck stand tall and unless by an act of God and I mean no blasphemy by that statement I mean that quite literally, that relationship is long past repair..again don't judge I have fought for that relationship and apologized for no wrong doing for 20 solid years and I just don't have it in me anymore to fight, especially since its so one-sided...I do however regret the harsh words I spoke in my last conversation with said father.
14. along with my Father and the harsh words my youngest sister I also cut off to for the time being. she lived with us for a year and everything started off wonderfully, but then took a very ugly turn and she moved out and back to Vegas, very bitterly and said many untruthful things about Nate and I and we feel for the time being we just need a break and sometime to repair and heal from the year of sheer HELL....we sound so dis-functional, but I promise we didn't do anything wrong and I would be first to admit if we had. I'am not a perfect person nor will I ever pretend to be, but we really did nothing wrong.
15. I went to the OB back in January, because Nate and I thought that we would be ready again to finish adding to our family..went to the appt. and doc says everything looks great and that I should have no problems conceiving and that I should be ok with yet another c-section..I was relieved and excited, but now Nate and I want to wait yet another year, because we are both not ready financially, emotionally, physically or otherwise for another baby and I want nothing more than to be completely ready. When we do decide and I do get pregnant I want to be beyond thrilled and prepared, because it will be our final babe, but im just not ready yet.
16. Our lease is up on the house we currently live in at the end of sept. and we are trying to move to some really nice townhomes that were just built, but there is a big waiting list for them, because they are that nice and we are hoping to get into them, to save money, so that we can buy a house or build or whatever...I love the house that we currently live in so much and I will be super sad to leave and the thought of having to switch my kiddos school especially Coby overwhelms me emotionally.
17. I sometimes try to think of what life would be like for my Coby if he didn't have Autism, I know that probably sounds HORRIBLE, but when I see kids his age and see how they are and how my boy could be, it makes me sad...I have fully accepted my Boy for the sweet, special boy that he is, but I wish things were easier for him, things that come so natural for the rest of us like talking and interacting, he fights so hard for and as a mother it is disheartening and upsetting and maddening...I love my boy so much.
18. Coby will be 7 this month, the 21st to be exact and I wish we had the money to take him to an indoor waterpark and just make his day, but we are on a super tight budget and just cant afford to.
19. Nate and I, even with all the stress happening lately, have never been closer or more in tune with each others feelings, thoughts or opinions. I have never felt more in-love or happy in my marriage..we are closer than ever in every way possible and I feel that its because of the trials. I LOVE you more everyday Nate and I mean that with every fiber of my being...Thank you for being my VERY best friend.
20. I'm headed back to school this summer and I'm both nervous and excited. I want my degree so bad and im oober jealous of you if you have yours.
21. I wish we were a two car family, because sometimes being a one car family is challenging.
22. I miss my mom so much, I miss her laughter, her infectious sense of humor (we are so bad when were together LOL), and I miss seeing her with my kids, she is such an amazing grandmother and you can just see how much she loves my kiddos by the twinkle in her eyes whenever she looks or talks about them..
23. I have intense guilt for not being there for my mother-in-law more, especially since she has been so sick lately. She is always there for me whenever I need her and it is killing me that I haven't returned the favor, but sometimes I just dont know what I can do and feel as though I will get in the way..not making excuses just thinking out loud...I should take some meals to her and maybe that will help...if you are reading this Mommy-in-law I love you dearly and sorry I haven't been there more.
24. Nate applied for a student loan repayment program last month and we wont find out til sept. if we got it or not, but if we do they will pay off 85% of his student loans and I cant tell you how much that excites me...the amount of student debt. we are in is in a large amount, not quite as much as a doc. but definitely runner up...yeah its going to be a LONG 8 months :-/
25. Caitlyn is very Sassy! in fact sassy would be a scarce understatement, she is down right horrible at times and somedays I just want to smack her, I don't of course..timeouts seem to do the trick and help, but I have never met a 2 year old who can bring me to my knees and make me pull my hair out more than she can and has...on the flip side she is very independent and smart, she dresses herself and puts her own shoes on, brings me the boys clothes, shoes, jackets and backpacks and helps me to dress them in the morning and get them on the bus. She loves to clean, dance and sing and she is very nurturing and soft, but she is definitely boss and bosses the boys around much to their dismay. I love her to absolute pieces, but in my humble opinion girls are much harder to me than boys.
26. Chase, oh my sweet Chase, where do I begin with this boy, he is my rock, the glue that literally holds us all together. He is so smart and witty, kind and funny. he says and does the darndest things and he is just precious. He has a bad boy side to him as well and for a while there I wasnt sure either one of us would live through the potty training, but he never ceases to surprise me...he keeps asking me lately "mommy what time is it? is it 8'0'clock? is it bedtime yet?" and tells me constantly "mommy I love you!"...he is the sunshine in all my days.
27. Coby is always a fighter, he fights hard everyday to learn and talk and interact. he was having some difficulties with sleeping again, but now that is all better and he is sleeping better than ever and that is good for everyone, but especially for him. He is working especially hard on transitioning from one task to another and improving daily. it pains me that my baby, the one who made me a Mom, will be 7 in a matter of weeks and will be in 2nd grade this year and is only a year away from baptism, its hard to believe how fast he is growing, he is so perfect and special and we love that boy.
28. because I will be 28 this year and I'm struggling to come to grips with the fact that my 20's are flying out the window and the 30's are just around the corner eek!

well anywho that is all...hope you stuck around to read it...this is by no means a woe is me post, but more of a I need to clear my head and now I feel so much better...thanks to whomever stuck around to read the novel LOL! :)...until next time....

2 comments:

Billy and Nathalie said...

I'm so glad my post encouraged you to "let it put." And I hope you feel relieved to have done so. I know I did. We truly are "lost sisters." I wish I would have realized that when we lived in IA. Good luck with everything, but mostly just making through the day and taking each day as it comes. Each day is a blessing and your family is wonderful (and so cute).

Robyn said...

Awe, I just read this. I want to run over to your house and have a good laugh, or cry, either one works for me right now. I miss you terribly. I love your honesty and your big huge heart. You are the "little" sister I never had ;)
You know I'm still here for you, right?!? Love ya!